The Devil I know

(I’ll hold on to it)

Ayomidele
2 min readAug 14, 2021

This pain I know

This pain I feel

This pain I own

It took me hostage, fed me because it needed me to be alive to suffer from its venom; it clothed me with shame, so I couldn’t go naked with dignity. I drank from its tap of anguish and I was housed in a barn of loneliness

At first, I wailed, but then I wailed and wailed until there was nothing more to wail about, and when hope deserted me and despair gave me a blanket for the cold night, I stopped wailing and fighting.

Finally, I got to know my abductor. It is all I have now; all I know. This pain is present and in the midst of it all, I started to humanize my abductor. I saw through this my abductor; it had been hurt so bad that it needed to hurt me too. But at least, this pain cared enough to want it. This pain needed me and there is nothing more potent than being chosen; to know that you are wanted, the deliberate act to fight and long for you. This pain chose me when Joy ran away from me and happiness said it was too busy to see me. This pain wanted and chose me when I was stranded and wandering around with no claim over me.

Maybe, my abductor is not the monster I think it is. The more time we spend together, the more endearing it became. Now, I held on tight to the only reality I know, not wanting to let it go. If it sets me free, I have nowhere to go. Nobody wants me, nobody chose me so why leave this safe haven?

If it let go of me, I will wander off again but I don’t want to just loiter around the world. I have tasted the bliss that came with being chosen even if it was a thorn piercing my soul, so I held on tight to it, so tight, that I didn’t realize I was bruised and bleeding.

This pain I know, is now familiar and predictable; it comforts me and gave me reasons not to hope. For to hope was to assume that joy and happiness will come to get me at a later day; to hope was to assume I would be chosen by joy and happiness; to hope was to be vulnerable and exposed myself to the unknown. I couldn’t afford to hope; it is a luxury I couldn’t afford so I held on to this stranger, the devil, I know, so tight

This pain I see

This pain I know cares

This pain chose me

This pain is ever present

This pain hovers over me

This pain wants me

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Ayomidele

I love words and the power it wields on the human mind and emotion #Storyteller #poet